»Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I Politely said, "This is Spencer. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!"
and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a C*nt!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,"Hi, this is John Smith from BT . I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"

One day I was at Barnstaple Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"
Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Well Street, in Torrington. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"
"Steve, you're a C*nt!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**eholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1. "Hello?"
"You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 129 Well Street, Torrington, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt,"
and hung up. Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, C*nt," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll do what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a*se," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
129 Well Street, Torrington , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Well Street, Torrington .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Well Street. I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the cr*p out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.
Take it from me, anger management really works...

Anon

»Irish Airways:

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed,and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be De shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

»O pereche tanara joaca golf. La o lovitura data de ea, mingea de golf sparge geamul unei case alaturata terenului de golf... Geamul se sfaramiteaza in mii de bucati... Tinerii constienti de greseala lor se duc imediat sa comunice proprietarului...
Suna la usa, dar nu raspunde nimeni. Atunci, ei intra in casa prin usa deschisa a terasei si vad langa geamul spart si o carafa sparta... Langa carafa sta un barbat bine cu un turban pe cap.
- Dumneavoastra santeti proprietarul? Intreaba sotul.
Barbatul ii priveste pe tineri nedumerit si dupa un timp raspunde ironic:
-Nu, eu am fost inchis 1000 de ani in aceasta carafa, dar cineva a spart geamul si carafa, cu o minge de golf si m-a eliberat.
La aceste cuvinte, sotului i s-a iluminat privirea, spunand:
- Asa deci, dumneavoastra sunteti spiritul din carafa?
- Corect, eu va indeplinesc doua dorinte voua si o a treia pentru mine.
- OK! se gandeste sotul si spune imediat prima dorinta:
- Super, deci eu vreau un salar lunar de 1.000.000 dolari, neimpozabil.
Spiritul raspunde
- S-a indeplinit! Si care ar fi a doua dorinta?
- Totdeauna sa avem cele mai bune mancaruri si bauturi fine, sa nu ne lipseasca nimic din casa!!
- Considerati si aceasta dorinta indeplinita... Si acuma dorinta mea, spune spiritul:
- De 1000 de ani nu am mai vazut o fiinta feminina. Deci, doresc sa ma culc cu nevasta ta.
Tinerii se supun si dupa cateva minute spiritul si femeia sunt In puternica activitate, timp in care sotul s-a intors pe terenul de golf si isi continua partida...
- Cati ani are sotul tau? o intreaba spiritul pe tanara femeie.
- 37! raspunde sotia, gafaind.
- Ciudat... la varsta lui mai crede in spirite?

»Un cuplu ia cina intr-un restaurant de lux. La un moment dat se apropie de masa lor o femeie foarte atragatoare si clar mai tanara decit sotia.

Necunoscuta se apleaca si-l saruta pe barbat cu un gest plin de familiaritate si tandrete. Sotia hiper-revoltata intreaba
-Cine e fufa asta?` la care sotul raspunde calm:
-E amanta mea!`.
Sotia riposteaza pe un ton ucigas:
-Divortez! Ma mut inapoi la mama!.

Sotul nu-si pierde calmul si-i raspunde:
-Bine, daca tu crezi ca iti va fi mai bine asa... Dar nu uita ca dupa divort se vor termina vacantele in strainatate, shopping-ul de Craciun la Paris, vacantele de schi in Alpi si asa mai departe. Eu nu tin neaparat sa divortez dar nu iti voi sta in cale.

Minute de tacere in clinchet de tacamuri. Deodata se deschide usa si intra cel mai bun amic al cuplului la brat cu o femeie tanara si atragatoare. Sotia intreaba consternata: -Cine-i tipa care a intrat cu M.?
Sotul raspunde fara vreo modificare in tonul vocii:
-Este I., amanta lui.
Dupa alte cateva secunde de tacere se aude vocea sotiei spunand:
-A noastra-i mai frumoasa!

» - Am primit o scrisoare de amenintare !
- Infiorator ! Vom urmari toate pistele ! Stiti cine v-a trimis-o ?
- Sigur. Administratia financiara !

» Un agent comercial de la o firma producatoare de aspiratoare, se strecoara in apartamentul unei doamne, impotriva vointei ei si, fara a sta pe ganduri, desarta pe covorul din mijlocul camerei un sac plin cu balega de cal !
- Domnule, ai inebunit ?? Ce faci ??!
Agentul, cu un suras comercial :
- Doamna, va jur ca absolut tot ce nu va trage acest aspirator, voi manca eu insumi !
- Va fi interesant de vazut, ca suntem debransati de la curent pentru trei zile !

» O batranica se duce la doctor :
- Domnu' doctor, de-un timp incoace trag intr-una " part"-uri ! Sunt foarte silentioase si n-au nici un miros, dar faptul in sine ma deranjeaza !
- Bine, doamna, luati pastilele astea si mai treceti maine pe-aici !
A doua zi, babuta :
- Domn' doctor, sunt tot silentioase, dar acum put ingrozitor !
- Aha, bun, deci nasul s-a desfundat...Am sa va scot dopurile de ceara din urechi si le veti si auzi !

»Un misionar trimite o scrisoare din jungla amazoniana. Printre altele scria :
" N-as vrea sa spun ca nevasta-mea are limba otravita, dar multi bastinasi fac zeci de kilometri, doar ca sa-si inmoaie sagetile in saliva ei !"